Chapter Seven

Suddenly she could hear a familiar noise. It was the ringing of the school bells. As she took one more step forward, she found herself back in the high school library.

"Hello, anyone in here?" She called out unsteadily. "Anyone here at all?"

"Well, well, Cordelia. You're late as always. Why am I not surprised?" The English-accented voice rang out behind her, startling her, and she turned.

"Late for what, Giles? Or should I even call you that? You're not real, any more than the others, are you?"

She gestured wearily around at the library. "Why don't you tell Drusilla to give it a rest, already? You're no more real than this place. The real thing burned to ruins at graduation, remember?"

"Why Cordelia, I'm surprised. You're actually catching on, though oh so slowly, on your own. It truly is a surprise, given how hard you work at not studying or learning," Giles replied harshly. "After all, wasn't it you who was always skipping out on research sessions?"

"I...that is.....It wasn't like that," she protested. Even though she knew this wasn't really Giles, she felt compelled to defend herself. "Giles, you knew how much time I put in when others weren't around, trying to catch up and learn everything that I needed to know."

"Did you really? Or was that more for yourself, so that you could keep up appearances? After all, it wouldn't do to be seen studying, after all that would be, how did you put it, 'uncool,'" Giles replied. "You never wanted to truly learn what life is about. If you couldn't have things your way and learn the easy way you rarely bothered. Because of Daddy's money and Mommy's name you got away with everything."

"No! It's not like that. I had to prove myself constantly to them, prove that I could do it all and learn everything and then some. How could you or anyone else know what it was like? It wasn't enough just to pass my classes. I had to do it without studying or at least make it look that way. It's not like I wanted to be the way I was, I just had to be."

"Oh please Cordelia, you always were entirely selfish. Look at your own history with men." Giles replied mockingly. "You dated Xander, but only because you liked the thrill of breaking the rules and even then it was only behind the scenes that you dated. When he finally broke down that one time and fell for another you cut him off."

"Yes I did cut him off. How much can one person take? It's not like I'm Buffy or Willow. I don't have reject stamped all over me."

"Is that so? Should I ask Mr. Wilson Christopher about that?"

Cordelia caught her breath, unable to reply for a moment. Then she cried out, "You're not even real. What gives you the right to judge me?"

"What gives me the right? Where do you think I come from, Cordelia, if I'm not real? Don't you know yet where?" he taunted. "What gave you the right to judge others, Cordelia? Maybe you don't know your friends as well as you think. Let's see, there is Angel, who is your boss, and Wesley, who you used and then threw aside. Do you think you've earned their friendship? Do you think you deserve it? They stood by you when you needed help. Would you have done the same for them?" Shaking his head, Giles smiled. "No, you've always been the fastest one to condemn anyone who made a mistake, haven't you? You convinced Xander that only a demon would ever be able to love him. Maybe if you had shown Doyle that you cared, he wouldn't have taken Angel's place. Maybe he wouldn't have died."

"No. That was about Angel. Doyle died to save Angel. That wasn't about me."

"Something that wasn't about you? Is that even possible, Cordelia? I thought that the whole world revolved around you. After all, your feelings are the only ones that count, right? Angel and Doyle and now Wesley have always comforted you when you were hurting, but if they were hurt, all you would do is laugh at them. Do you know what they really think of your pitiful dreams of becoming an actress? Do you, Cordelia?"

"They've always been behind me, and if you're part of me, you know that," she flared back. "They supported me every step of the way. They know I can become an actress ... or that I could till now," she said softly, sighing a little. "I know that I can't have everything. I've already made that choice. I chose Doyle. Tell Drusilla she's repeating herself, I've been there, I've done that. Now if you're nothing but a figment of my imagination, why don't you get out of my way so that I can get him back?"

"Really, Cordelia. That's truly amazing considering how you treated Doyle while he was alive. He was there for you no matter what, and you always pulled away. Then when he was about to die, you reluctantly gave him a single kiss," Giles replied.

"You're wrong," Cordelia said flatly, but Giles - or the illusion of Giles - had only paused for breath.

"Then, when you found out that you got the gift of clairvoyance, the ability to see the future from him, you were kissing every guy around trying to be rid of it. That's a truly lovely sentiment, Cordelia. You never cease to amaze, do you."

"I...that is...I... all right I admit I did try to be free of it, because it's more of a curse than a gift, but I'm starting to understand what it is and how to deal with it. I learned, Giles, I did. I learned to respect Doyle for what he had to go through, but right now, I think this has gone far enough. What's your price? What am I supposed to give you so that I can pass and get on with the show?"

"Still the same Cordelia. It's all a show to you. Your real life wasn't any more real to you than this library is, any more real than I am. You always thought you could buy your way out of any problem or situation. It doesn't work that way. You have to prove that you're worthy enough to go on and win through on your own. You haven't, not yet at least."

"What do I have to do? Are you waiting for me to beg and plead with you, and throw myself on your obviously non-existent mercy?"

"I can't tell you what to do, I can't be merciful. I'm not the real person you wish that I was. I am only here to test you and try to make you fail," Giles said. "I can't even tell you if you're close or far off. You have to do it all on your own or not at all."

He stood back and waved a hand at the stacks of books around them. "All this information, all this knowledge, but you never really understood, did you? You never really knew." He pulled a book down from the shelf and opened it.

"Knew what?"

"What really mattered about the people around you," he answered softly. "You never wanted to look beyond the surface, did you, Cordelia? You never really wanted to know what was there." He wasn't even looking at her as he spoke. He was just turning the pages of the book.

"Maybe not then, but later on... later on I started to figure out that people, like Doyle... they might have, you know, hidden depths..."

She gasped as Giles turned the book around to face her, and a drawing of a Brachen demon on the page faced her. "What would you have said to this face if you'd seen it sooner, Cordelia? Wouldn't it have been 'Ewww, get away from me'?"

She shook her head desperately. "No," she whispered.

"You would have judged him and condemned him, wouldn't you, Cordelia? You would have rejected him again, and walked away."

"No."

"Wasn't that the only way you could feel good about yourself? You had to put down others so that you could feel you were worth something. No one else could be allowed to be as good as you. Everyone had to be inferior, so that you could be the superior one. Isn't that right?"

"Maybe once that was true, but not any more." She reached out for the book, and Giles handed it to her.

Then, as she touched the drawing of the Brachen demon, the picture seemed to change, the features shifting slightly.

For a moment she was startled, but then she remembered. This was Drusilla's world, her private hell, where everything was illusion and nothing was real, and where thoughts could change things.

She had forgotten that her own thoughts had power here, too.

"Don't you know," Giles said softly, "That what you saw about people, every time you judged them, was only what you put there, in your own mind? You never really saw them at all."

"But there's another side to that, isn't there?" Cordelia answered, holding the book, her expression suddenly attentive.

Giles was silent. She was beginning to get it, but he couldn't help her. She had to get there by herself.

"If I could see only the worst things about people, doesn't it work the other way, too? What if I could see ... the best?"

Her fingers caressed the page, and the picture changed suddenly. The Brachen demon disappeared, and instead there was an image of Angel, Doyle, and Cordelia, standing together. She touched the page again, and then Wesley joined the picture, appearing at her other side.

"That's better," she said. "He's part of the family, too."

She smiled at the book, pleased. The pictured faces, all four of them, smiled back.

Then she looked up, and saw that Giles was smiling at her, too. The child had finally, without knowing it, passed the challenge. Even though he was only an imperfect reflection of the real thing, he still felt a measure of happiness in her success.

"Come Cordelia, take this token, and you may now pass through the door. You have finally let go of judging and condemning other people," Giles said, slowly reaching down to touch her arm, and hand her what appeared to be a simple little library card. "You will face harsher challenges ahead, but if you remain true to yourself and your heart, you will win."

Standing up, Cordelia took the library card and slowly approached the door. "Goodbye Giles, thank you for everything."

Stepping forward, she touched the handle of the door and vanished into the light.

And somewhere else, in a hospital bed, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce gasped, and opened his eyes.